Tag Archives: SAHM

friday five spot!

12 Apr

It’s been awhile.

1.I feel like I should have done a disclaimer regarding all the photos in my last blog post of *me*. I published the post, and then became totally self-conscious of all the pictures of myself. The reason I did it was because when I first got dreadlocks I was so inspired by bloggers who recounted their experiences with pictures. It was like, even though my hair was often not feeling *great*, I felt like I could keep going by knowing what could come of my patience.

I told my friend about feeling so self-conscious and she told me a 1-10 ratio is a good rule of thumb. Like, for every one post of myself I should do ten on other things. And she said this rule can also be applied to Instagram photos. What do you think is a good ‘rule’ to follow regarding self portraits? Do you care? Am I being weird by even thinking about this? Isn’t this my blog anyway? Is anyone even reading this thing??

2. LOOK AT ISABELA’S FANCY KICKS!

IMG_6007My parents got her a gift certificate for her birthday in February to design her own footwear! It was thrilling for her, and I gotta say, she has a knack for color coordination, right? I love her choice of LIVE/LOVE on the tongues. One of her favorite singers has that tattooed on his knuckles and she thinks it is the coolest thing. I am really. really. really. hoping she doesn’t have a growth spurt anytime soon!

3. Speaking of tattoo’s I am getting a new one tomorrow!

IMG_6172I am so excited about my birthday present! And I am not going to tell you what it is going to be, but I’ll give you a hint. It has to do with my word of the year last year. Now you can dig through my archives to figure it out:)

4. These two are cracking me up lately.

IMG_6190They are both falling apart. Maisey is missing her top teeth, Lincoln his bottom two. Lincoln is getting scraps and cuts faster than any child. Neither can manage to keep their rooms tidy for longer than twelve minutes. They are a mess. I don’t remember Moses being such a disaster at six. Maybe he was a different sort. I don’t know. All I know is they are ridiculously cute disasters.

5. I have my new goals all mapped out for my new manuscript!

IMG_6195

I am so excited. I am 10k into the story right now, and have a hefty schedule ahead of me. My last book I wrote in 3 weeks after I got through the first 10k (I labored for a few months on the beginning, then I was on a roll). Now the editing has taken me the past 2 1/2 months, but I think it is *nearly* done. I have had my critique partners reading chapters, so I am editing on other peoples schedule. I am so thankful to have people working along side me!

I also want to apologize in advance for being a crappy friend for the next 6 weeks. Ha!

Okay— happy Friday friends! What have you been up to lately? Five spot in the comments!

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friday five spot!

1 Jun

It is Friday again! I love four day weeks like this. It gives us more time to pack in smiles & laughter & fun & makes the cruddy stuff less cruddy. Here is the five spot:

1. I just got these lovely Birkenstocks in the mail! I had been longing for a pair the past few months  {and when a lady in my writing group showed up with some Birks I just *knew* I couldn’t wait any longer}. I have been wearing TOMS most exclusively for a good long while and though they are adorable and trendy, they are also feet killers. Like KILLERS. I am old I tell you! So I bought these beauts off ebay for 31$! Can’t beat that! Also I feel very nostalgic since the last time I wore them was in high school when my BFF and I were obsessed with them. and yes I am wearing socks. At the end of May. Because I live in Washington.

2. My sister had a little singing show in my neck of the woods last weekend and I had the *pleasure* of joining her. The best part {besides her amazing vocals} was the margarita we downed with laughter. We also decided on our next tattoos. I will give you a hint: It has to do with my sister :)

3. BIRCH BOX! My May BB arrived in a highly anticipatory fashion because it was my first one! So fun. It was like opening a stocking in May. It was like getting all the fun products you want but wouldn’t splurge on. It was like, my crappy morning over *gently attempting to get my child to take their multi-vitamen*  became less crappy and more sparkly. Because now I have blue glitter eye liner. And I am rocking it. In my yoga pants. Because that’s how I roll. Truly though, it is a 10$ a month subscription, you get a box of deluxe sample {or full size!} goodies in a pretty box with a bow. If you sign up say I sent you {I get shopping credit!}

4. I fled the house last night {second night in a row…it was that kinda week for me…}I had dinner {soup, salad, breadsticks} set and the moment Jer walked in the door I exited. I had a 6:30 movie to get to! And dinner to buy. Which was a medium popcorn and cherry coke. Don’t judge. I needed to laugh. And I did to my favorite sort of movie. What To Expect was much better then the reviews and just what I needed. I went by myself as anyone who knows me knows that is one of my favorite indulgences. No one talks to you for 2 HOURS STRAIGHT. There was one other woman at the theater {it was a Thursday night}, alone as well. And even though I didn’t speak to her {I’m not that freaky} I still felt like I got her, like I knew what her week was like, where her head was. I felt in it with her. That felt nice.

5. I BOOKED MY ROOM FOR ORLANDO 2013! I know. I am just  a *little* excited.  Can you tell? When I attended in March I had an amazing time. It was a no brainer that I had to go again and see some of the most beautiful women on the planet. I think there are some spaces still available. If you are a mom parenting kids from trauma you. must. make. this. happen.

There you be peeps. I am in a really weird mood this morning so excuse anything that seemed *off*. I am still working on my first cup of coffee.

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this weekend.

21 May

{self portrait. backside.}

This weekend my aunt and my dad came over for breakfast and we sat at the table, the kids being silly and ridiculous, trying to one up each other on stories of glory and we were drinking coffee and eating scones with home made jam and it was good.

This weekend Jer and I had a stay at home date night that involved tucking kids into bed much to early, but still plenty worth it and pizza and salad and wine and laughter and love.

This weekend I wandered my very  favorite store for much to long and bought one very cute dress and felt like I was indulging because it was $7.99 but oh-so-perfect.

This weekend I wrote words on a page and shared the words aloud on a stool in my living room to ears who asked to hear verses and I felt validated.

This weekend I called my dear friend and talked and caught up and made plans and laughed about latin lovers and smiled.

This weekend I yelled and cried and felt like things were in despair and then I remembered to breathe and I was okay after a bit.

This weekend I didn’t feel like making breakfast when my husband was gone for the day so we went grocery shopping early enough to buy donuts and the kids ate as mom shopped and it was perfect because it kept them quiet and happy.

This weekend I went to the store to buy yogurt and left with chocolate covered raisins and chocolate covered pretzels and m&m’s and dark chocolate and then I brought them to my writing group and shared my loot.

This weekend I felt good in my own skin and my own heart and remembered to be gentle with myself.

xoxo.

 

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sunshine makes the hard *stuff* more bearable.

11 May


Kids have this ability to take things that seem really complicated,

you know,

like,

Life,

and making it

simple.

Like sunshine

and swings in the tree

and shouts of,

Mom, watch this!

Mom see this!

Do you hear them? They are saying’ I want you to be proud of me.’

I hear you, son.

I hear you daughter.

I am proud.

You make those complicated bits of life,

the parts that seem too big

too big to bear-

much more bearable.

So thank you.

Thank you for asking me to come outside.

To see your swing and your sunshine.

You are sunshine.

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the moment you realize you are ‘that’ family.

27 Apr

This morning after I dropped the kids off at school I made a detour. One I have been making a few times a week for the past month. The Saint Vincent DePaul Thrift Store Furniture Annex .

I am in search of bunk beds. Like, desperately. Like my two little boys have been sleeping on matresses on the floor for the past two months desperate. Ever since I decided to rearrange the house in an afternoon.  Their beds finally fell apart mid-move. I wasn’t heart broken. They  were five years old, from IKEA and had probably bed disassembled, shoved and tortured at least a dozen times in their lives. I got my monies worth.

But see, little boys are these dangerous creatures. Who have a habit of playing with trucks at 4:30 am every day in their room because hey, there are NO BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU SLEEP IN A PILE OF BLANKETS ON THE FLOOR.

Little boys need boundaries.

Specifically, boundaries in the shape of a bed.

So I made my way to the S.V.D.P.T.S.F.A. again in search of beds less expenisive the the ones IKEA was tempting me with. But see, I really, really, really do not want to part with so much money for a few valid reasons:  a)I know the beds will be trashed if they are from IKEA {remember why we are getting beds in the first place?} and b) I want to be able to accomplish some savings goals I currently have in place.

Blah.

Anyways, I was in the store and found a rather cheap solution. For 40 bucks I got a twin size bed and a toddler bed. But as I was looking the beds over I was confused on what screws I needed and thankfully I looked over at just the right time. My friend was there and was able to help me figure out what screws to get. And then he helped me carry the beds to the car.

But the thing is, the entire time we were looking at the beds my little ones were being those kids. I had handed my 5 yo my coffee cup and now all 3 of them 4 of us were somehow doused in lukewarm brown liquid. I noticed that my daughter had about a dozen holes and snags in her bright red tights that matched *perfectly* with her adidas sweatshirt. My son had holes in both his knees that he was purposely making bigger while wearing mismatched rain boots on the wrong feet. And me? I had forgotten that my hair was in a pony tail on the very top of my head until I got in the car and drove away.

Did I mention the toddler who just about broke the baby swing he was climbing in and out of?

But the kicker is, and the reason I wanted to let you know that we are in fact that family, was that after I surveyed the scene, purchased the beds and got us all in the van- I still drove straight to the hardware store for screws.

Mismatched-snagged tights-coffe stained people that we were.

Thanks for loving us anyways…

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orlando.

7 Mar

Last week I boarded a jet plane and took a flight across the country to meet 89 complete strangers.

 

Since my word of the year is Brave I think doing this one thing just about covered me for the remaining months. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I was nervous. But, Yes- I did it.

And thank goodness I did. And though everyone says this weekend will change your life, change doesn’t come easy to me. Growing up as an ARMY brat one would think I mastered it a few decades ago- but here I am. Nearly 30 years old and still as scared as ever of the term: change.

But one thing I did have going for me was the fact I was going to be in a house with Christine Moers. Which, in attachment parenting circles, is pretty dang awesome. So that helped. Also, the 3 in-flight beverages contributed my relaxed sense of self as a stranger picked me up in her mini van and took me out to dinner. And stranger is a term never to be used again with the lovely Wendy Taylor. I mean, we cried in a hot tub for a good hour over our sense of loss in life. And once you cry those ugly tears, well, we sealed the deal on our sisterhood.

A few days in I found myself in the bathroom crying and stopping and splashing cold water and telling myself to get a grip and crying again and trying to breathe. And as I tried to pinpoint my mini personal crisis, I realized that these 90 women have all been brought together because of heart ache and heart break and that is powerful. I was being undone as I began to truly grasp the truth in ‘You Are Not Alone.’ Once that truth sank in deep to my soul I let the flood banks loose.

And yes, the majority of that happened as the tears rolled down during a sing-a-long sesh with the ladies in my villa. And yes, I cried through Shania Twain and Tiffany songs.

But lest you think the weekend was a full fledged sob fest, I am not painting an accurate picture. The weekend was also full of smiles, the kind that happen when the hot tub is going and the neighbors do a little drop off of champagne for the trauma mamas.

The kind of smile that happens when you see past the pain in a woman’s heart and see her glow as you get the privilege to learn she is so much more then that.

The kind of smile that happens when you know you are loved by a group of women after only four days of being in one another’s lives.

The kind of smile that happens when you are apart of something real, something true, something Magic.

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that crazy lady v.3.0

8 Feb

So this week:

-Normally I am okay with the gas gauge light going off while I am driving around. Usually I am okay with clocking 20 miles over after the red light flashes. Yesterday I hit 21.7 and suddenly had a near panic attack while picking up the kids from school. I knew I had to stop because it was 5 miles back to my house. And no, it wasn’t for fear of running out of gas with 5 kids in the car and a husband busy at work.

The fear was due to the fact I was wearing running shorts, Uggs,  no bra, a tee shirt with coffee stains covered by my husbands GONZAGA oversized sweat shirt, and my hair? We won’t even go there. Exactly the kinda person you want to run into while pumping gas. Luckily, I didn’t see anyone I knew. OR if I did- they didn’t recognize ME because I looked like a train-wreck. (note: I was cleaning the house all day. That makes it better, right?)

-I watch The Bachelor. You all know that by now. But the issue is becoming bigger. You see, I was in bed on Monday night watching the ultimate in ‘no brain energy required’ television and somehow, I was getting fired up. And I mean fired up. To the point where my husband, who was reading beside me asked why I was freaking out (i.e. yelling at Ben- you know, a reality tv star!?). I responded with “I HAVE A RIGHT TO FREAK OUT WHAT IS HE THINKING CAN”T HE SEE THROUGH HER SHE IS SO FAKE OH MY GOODNESS SAKES WHY DON”T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?”

At which point I retreated with wine and chocolate covered pretzels, feeling a *little* embarrassed by my outburst.

So I ask, what is worse, watching the show or having actual, real, feelings about the outcome?

I woke up about 17 times that night in agony over why I cared so much about Ben and Courtneys fate. Not about them mind you, about WHY DOES IT MATTERS TO ME?!?

Be concerned.

-All I ate yesterday was tortilla chips & chocolate covered pretzels (get those demons out of my house!!). Also coffee and wine.

-You may be wondering about all these beautiful non-credited images in this post? Well, pinterest still hates me. If you are my friend on fb you know the agony I have been facing since I have been locked out of my virtual bulletin board account. I have now wasted hours attempting to log in.

To no avail. I’ve emailed them more then once and need to stop because my charming emails have turned into, well, not so charming. But as I go back to try and log in I keep seeing all these amazing things being pinned. It is so mean. It is like the universe is taunting me with wonderful things I can look at but cannot have. Or pin. Whatev.

Anyways, to get back at the universe, I began to steal these images. You know, the treats I want to make at some point, the craft I want to go back to and make . Well, my desktop is now dotted with these images that I dragged and copied.

Crazy lady that I am, I did not think through the fact all it is is an image. Not the link to the blog or website or tutorial or anything. So now it like the worst tease in the world. The images are on my desktop laughing at the fact I will never get to make home made twix bars.

Terrible people.

-I am eating cold jalepeno poppers for breakfast. With coffee.

xoxo, the crazy lady

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motherhood, the morning I lost it & OKLAHOMA!

7 Feb

Saturday morning arrived. Isabela was so excited to go to Seattle for the production of OKLAHOMA! , as was I.

But what happened before we were able to leave for our 11:10 ferry was what happens most times I feel over-whelmed or feel under-valued or feel appropriately-irritated.

I lost it.

Lost it as in, okay y’all {and we don’t even say y’all because we live in the PNW}, get out of moms way because she is seriously ticked off.

I don’t know what set me off. Well, I guess I do. It started with finishing making breakfast and looking around the kitchen, where I had spent the past week on auto-repeat: sweep the floors, wash dishes, make meals, wash more dishes. And seeing it was once again a DISASTER zone. Normally it wouldn’t really bother me. But when I knew I was leaving for the day and my husband would therefore be responsible for it, it made me feel, well, like I should be keeping up with things better.

Now, in no way does my husband put that on me. I put it on myself. Like, I am at home with the kids all week – the least I can do is leave the house in a somewhat presentable state. And it wasn’t. And it was 9:30 and I needed to shower, dress, clean the kitchen and put on my awesome eyeliner.

And then my 4 & 5 year olds walked upstairs. And then the baby followed.

COVERED IN STYROFOAM BALLS.

LITTLE TEENY TINY PIECES EVERYWHERE.

Suddenly my living room and hallways were covered in a white flurry. In my brand new super cute living room that I sold all my furniture on craigslist to create.

And I tried to be calm. I really did.I asked why they were covered in white.

And they answered in what I should have heard as the sweetest 4 & 5 & 2 year old response : “We were making snow mommy!”

Instead it threw me in a tailspin. After all, I had told them not to touch those boxes full of ‘snow’ anymore, after all I had just swept the hallway, after all I was running behind on getting out of the house.

So I shlepped them one by one in the shower, rinsing them off, drying them off, scolding them for being careless.

Ignoring my husband who was right there willing to help.

And I shut my bedroom door and I reasoned and justified why I had the right to be mad.

But I knew I didn’t.

So I passed on a shower and hastily put on my eyeliner and knotted my hair on the top of my head and went to the 4 & 5 & 2  year old and said I was sorry.

And they forgave me.

And I tried to breathe.

Because we all have to move on.

We can’t stay in the place of being annoyed or being full of regret and the kids forgave me and I need to forgive myself.

And that is the thing about motherhood and I guess, life-hood. We mess up. We get mad at things that don’t matter and we hurt the people we love most and the thing is we have to figure out a way to move on because good things are still there for the taking.

Like catching that ferry and spending the next 8 hours laughing and whispering and holding hands and holding hearts and knowing I don’t deserve any of this goodness.

And then remembering I do deserve it.

 

We all do. We can’t hold to tight to the bad when there is just so much good.

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that crazy lady.

25 Jan

Some Most days I feel like a crazy lady.

You know, the one in hippie girl pants, dreadlocks screaming at the top of her head, totting a toddler in pj bottoms, rain boots 2 sizes to big and breakfast all over his jacket.

She is also either late or very early (rarely exactly right on time) and has either had way to much coffee or not nearly enough (rarely does she hit that sweet spot).

She has a ‘system’ for organizing that includes Important Things in the junk drawer, the desk, the shelf in her bedroom and the vans passenger seat.

She forgot picture day 2 years in a row.

She was recently sent to collections for the second time in her life. For the same thing. Library Fines.

 

She serves her kids cake for breakfast. Often.

She hasn’t discovered the reason for The Smell in her car, but knows it has been three for the past two weeks.

She just rearranged the rooms. Again. Now her boys have slept in every bedroom of the house.

 

Laundry? What? And yes, that is Sharpie on the door.

She is refusing the grocery store and therefore will be making a combination of lentils,  corn tortillas and eggs for dinner.

Hmmm. Maybe the crazy lady should go to the store.

After she puts on a bra :)

 

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where i get all political.

1 Nov

What the Heck is Going On?

(How the SAHM really feels)

Things just seem wildly out of control and I am not apart of any of it. OWS is stressing me out because I barely know what it is. Apparently there is going to be a new bill about student loan repayment but I don’t know what that really means, for me. I’ve been watching to many videos on YouTube about child slavery in the chocolate trade, and Halloween was yesterday {ethical dilemma, peeps}.

All this is happening while I’m just trying to manage my little family on my little street in my little house in America.  I’m focusing on saving money at the grocery store. Paying my oil bill.  Finding good priced rain boots for my brood. My daily-ness is so small compared to these big world issues and I’m just a stay at home mom attempting to make my online payments when they are due.

Is it okay for my seven year old to listen to Pandora all afternoon? Should my ten year old be allowed to ride her bike in the neighborhood? Is my toddler getting a rash because he needs to be Gluten Free or Dairy Free or is it because I didn’t buy the organic peppers last week?  The non-organic ones were only .79 a piece and the organic ones were $2.50. And why did I just ruin my baby’s future for being cheap with the stir-fry?

My mind is so full with day in and day out life-living that the newspaper and NPR gets shoved to the wayside. When I finally have a chance to sit down and breathe, I truthfully opt for Facebook. And that just compounds the problem. Information overload. Someone will make a comment about the twitter war with the Taliban and someone else will share the great Groupon they got and suddenly I am reminded of the fact I consistently have no clue what is going on.

The other day I remembered I needed to check on getting our home refinanced. I spent about 15 minutes on hold, finally talked to a person and realized my FHA loan doesn’t qualify for the new program. Obviously if I had researched it a bit more I could have saved myself some time, but I didn’t because in the moment reading the fine print would have used more of my time. And for a stay at home mom, time is a commodity.

And the fact is it’s an overwhelming time to be a SAHM in this country.

We aren’t contributing financially to our family and we feel bad about it. We are over loaded because support systems aren’t in place and we are under appreciated because everyone thinks they had it harder then we have it. Yes, I have heard these conversations. Where the new mom mentions her lack of sleep and the experienced parent says, “Oh that’s just how babies are.” Insinuating that this new mother should get over it. Instead of validating we make her feel bad about it.

Besides not contributing financially and the guilt we feel for thinking it is hard- we feel like idiots half the time. It is true. We don’t read the paper every day week. We don’t really know what is going on in the world. We try. We do. When someone posts an article on fb we click right away, we want to be informed, we care.

But it is hard. We are an isolated bunch, us stay at home moms and we are working so hard on keeping our island above water, the rest of the country’s problems don’t seem as urgent.

We are dealing with the fundraiser for the PTA and the fact that our toddler was bullied at MusicGym and the thing is- that is important stuff too. Those things matter! We are this self-sacrificing lot that often is undervalued as consumers. Maybe some companies are figuring out how to meet our diapering needs but the News industry has not. We are an untapped into reservoir.

We want to be apart of the big picture. We are busy growing these little people to be good big people. We believe in the future, so deeply, because we are the ones raising it. So include us, inform us. Meet us where we are at.

At least try to.

 

 

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