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the thing about dreams.

26 Apr

My sister calls me, because everyday after we text for twenty minutes we are always like, maybe we should talk on the phone? And so we do. It is easier to talk on the phone while washing dishes than texting and washing dishes, so it’s usually a pretty good way to multi-task. But this day I wasn’t washing dishes. I had done them the night before, after dinner, when I promised everyone in the house I wasn’t in a bad mood, yet for some reason I decided washing dishes was the ONLY CHOICE IN THE WORLD. “I’m not grumpy, okayyy???” (says girl while furiously scrubbing pan).

So my sister calls and I am doing the most uncharacteristic thing ever. Cleaning out my closet. Now, I’m pretty good about hauling things to the Goodwill on a weekly basis. I am really good at getting rid of things. The clothing is often sorted out as I fold it, and added to the ‘give away pile’ or often times the ‘garbage pile’. But being a purger by nature does not mean I am a cleaner by nature. They are two very different talents.

So I was in my room sorting through every item of clothing and every pair of shoes, the heap was getting pretty impressive. Also, my closet was suddenly manageable. And by manageable I mean there was no longer a dozen-ish pairs of shoes thrown in a pile on the floor. Of both the closet, and my actual bedroom.

My sister was like, “What are you doing?” and I was like, “I’m cleaning my closet, ISN’T THAT SO WIERD?” and she was like, “UM, ACTUALLY IT IS SUPER FREAKY BECAUSE I HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU CLEANING YOUR CLOSET LAST NIGHT!!!”

I know, right?!

The dream she had involved her, my mom, and me all standing in my room and I was showing them how clean my closet was. And they were like, “But there are only 2 pieces of clothes in your closet, Anya. Where did you put everything?” And I was like, “I got rid of it all I am only wearing PPP clothing now.” And they were like, “But that means you only have a dress, a few shirts and some pajama pants.” And I was all, “I KNOW! COOL RIGHT?” And they were like, “That is so weird, you could have like, paced yourself, at least kept a pair of jeans.” And I was like, “NO. IT’S ALL OR NOTHING, YO.”

Okay, I don’t think I actually became a gangster in her dream. But dreams are all about interpretation, right?!

So then my sister and I were like THIS IS SO WEIRD>

Because it was, and also because dreams are weird in general. And not just the ones that happen when we close are eyes and go to sleep. The dreams we hold, that we are writing on the tablet of our heart, that we are fighting to make come true every day of our lives, are very weird sometimes, too. Or seem too crazy or too freaky or just like, make no sense.

But that is why dreams are so completely amazing.

I was reading a children’s picture book from the library. It is called An Awesome Book. And it was, awesome, because it was talking about dreams and that how somewhere along the way we stop dreaming about rocket powered unicorns and  magic watermelon boats and we start dreaming about fancy cars and houses with lots of rooms and I love that. I love a story written for kids about keeping our dreams crazy and weird and fantastic.

And I love that for me, too. I want to keep my dreams crazy and weird and fantastic. I want you to keep your dreams crazy and weird and fantastic, too.

Keep dreaming. Of clean closets and maybe, also, that little dream that that is hanging around your heart, that could be ten times bigger if you remember  it’s okay to have a dream that big. And even one ten times bigger than that.

And tell someone about it. Call them, don’t text them, and say, “Wanna hear about my crazy dream?”  And then tell them all about it. They will want to hear.

xoxo

 

what you really trippin’ on?

18 Apr

Image 3

I burned the soup last night.

I had planned out the meal, with a list taken to the grocery store.The white beans were soaked over night and brought to a boil with a few ham hocks. Salt and pepper and low heat. It is a meal everyone likes in our house, and with a few simple ingredients and planning ahead, it makes the mid-week hump easy to get over.

Then I left the house to pick up the kids from their 1/2 day at school, headed to the cafe where Grandma works to walk on the beach whilst eating apricot thumb-print cookies. Followed up by a stop at the library where we loaded my basket to the brim (mostly with Fox Trot comics – Moses is obsessed). I forgot my holds were at a different library (closer to my house), waiting for me, so we swung by there before headed home.

The whole time we had on auto-repeat the song Young Homie by Chris Renee who my 12 year-old daughter may be slightly crushing on. Hey, I don’t judge. I think I was mildly obsessed with Kid Rock slash Eminem at that age(who am I kidding, I still am). The thing about this song is that it’s lyrics are really good. It’s all about life and love and living for the things that matter. Oh yeah, also sobriety. But that is a good message, too.

Anyway, after our errands we walk in the house and it just smells gross. Like burnt soup. Apparently I remembered to stir the soup before I left the house, but the burner was still chilling at a steady 3-spot all afternoon. Yikes. I momentarily considered trying to salvage it by not scraping up the charred bits at the bottom, and forcing everyone else to eat it while I claimed ‘Not hungry’ and then eat a dinner’s worth of gelato later at night. But that is just mean. And also, Jer would see straight through that.

But see. I wasn’t even stressed about ruining EVERYTHING. And by everything, I mean dinner. I mean – I am basically streaming Chris Renee at the moment and was all, “Young Homie, what you really trippin’ on?” Definitely NOT burned soup, am I right?! I mean, that would not be cool.

So instead I told the kids they could watch Saved By the Bell IF they folded laundry while doing so, and I attempted to meet my word count goals until Jer came home.  I also called the brewery down the street to make sure they still had their Wednesday Wings special.

They did.

So we ate a lot of wings and we all laughed at dinner. Like, A LOT. It was like we had never eaten out before. Everyone was so happy (I mean Moses was reading Fox Trot and ignoring our laughing, like he did not get what was so funny) and we were all talking animatedly and smiling and no one peed their pants or spilled their water or complained about messy hands or anything. I don’t know why we were all so  punch-drunk. I also know I realized 1/2 way through my second beer (The wings I ordered were really hot. That’s my excuse.), that my beer was also 9% alcohol and that is, like, a lot more than my average Corona. So, I might not have been really punch-drunk as much as well, you get what I mean.

The point of this story is, and I realize I did an awful lot of chit-chat here, if you burn your dinner, don’t trip about it. Go get Wednesday Wings. And smile. A lot.

be brave.

16 Apr

So I got my new tattoo for my birthday on Saturday! It was such a fun day out for Jeremy and I! Besides the tattoo, we also browsed the the bookstore (drooled), saw a movie (The Host, fun), had dinner at my favorite restaurant (the Paella Bar in Poulsbo, delish), and ate dessert (Mocha Mousse with Caramel and Grey Sea Salt, divine) at home while watching reruns of Arrested Development (catching up before the new season begins on Netflix!). Pretty epic for the big 3-1!

Image 1BE BRAVE.

Image 2I am so pleased with how it turned out. Exactly what I was dreaming of! Bonnie, the artist doing the piece said I better not wuss out considering the words. I didn’t. I am so excited to be carrying these powerful words with me everywhere I go in my life. Hopefully for another 31 beautiful, crazy, lovely, messy years!

 

 

shine on, dear.

14 Feb

 

 

 

 

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My aunt and I had made plans in December— we would get tattoos, together, marking our backs with a hope we wanted to share.

Shine On.

I am so glad we did. I held her hand, and a bit later she held mine. Our smiles wide.

Our hearts wide, too.

This little phrase means much to me. This video sums much of it up:

 

 

fresh air.

7 Feb

photo copy 3The weather was dreary,but the kids begged me, so I put on a coat and breathed the fresh air, and it felt good.

It is good to breathe deeply, to remember that Yes I Am Alive.

It seems easy to forget it somedays. In the middle of our daily-ness. Errands and cooking. Washing and watching nonsense on the television. Correcting and scheduling. We forget the living part.

And that is a bummer because that is the best part.

I don’t want to forget to be alive. I don’t want to miss the best parts.

I want to breathe the fresh air and laugh really loud and smile. Lots and lots of smiles.

I want that for you, too.

xoxo

 

 

songs & chapters & how the story unfolds.

23 Jan

IMG_1681Some people are cool music people. I am not one of them. Basically I find something I like, then rely on Pandora to help fill in the blanks. It works out pretty well. One band I currently am loving is Of Monsters and Men, particularly their album, My Head is An Animal.

Now the thing is, I get that I am about two years behind on the OMAM bandwagon. But that’s not the point, The point is I dig ‘em. I received  their album in my stocking on Christmas morning and listened to their songs about 48 times over Christmas break.  And it hasn’t stopped. The CD is currently holds the number 1 spot in rotation in my 6-CD changer, while I cruise around in my mini-van.

The thing about this particular album that works so well for me, it is doesn’t just feel like a bunch of random songs forced together. It tells as story, beginning to end, with each song telling a piece. I love that. But that is no surprise. I am a story-kinda-person. I read them, and I write them, and  use them to make more sense of life.

So this album is broken into songs that fit together to make this story. It is a grand adventure, an epic tale. And some of the adventure is beautiful and some of it is heartbreaking and some of it is swoon-worthy and some of it is tragic.

But isn’t that what life is?

Some of it is so magical and some of it is so crushable. That’s why this album works for me.

And that’s how I’m trying to make life work for me, too.

The thing is, life isn’t just one song. It isn’t just that one amazing ballad that brings tears to your eyes, that can’t be the entirety of your   album— your story. And neither can be a dance party remix by Ke$ha. Because that’s not what life is, either. It’s not just one song or one chapter. Because if you just take that one piece and try to make life make sense with that, it’s not gonna happen.

You need the bigger picture. You need to listen to the entire album.

It’s so easy to get hung up on that one part that isn’t working. The part that is feels redundant, or keeps feeling like it is skipping, or seemingly on auto-repeat  Or even the part that is working, and frame your entire life around it. Measuring everything else against it.

But hang on, friend.

Crank up the volume on the parts that fire you up— it’s okay to scream. But then remember to listen to the next song, don’t miss it. It is apart of your story, too. Listen.  Take it in. Remember one song isn’t your everything. It is something. Maybe a really significant something— but there is more.

I can promise you that.

play like one.

10 Jan

IMG_2010

 

My husband asked me to paint this on our kitchen wall one night, and I wondered why we don’t write more Rules on the wall. Rules we want to follow. Rules that will push us to be us, more authentically. This particular Rule can be a tricky one though, because it requires us to stop making excuses.

Excuses are easy though, aren’t they? My most used one is , “It’s too hard.”  

 

Too hard to try. Too hard to start. Too hard to begin.

Too hard to find the time. Too hard to balance it all. Too hard to succeed.

I suppose it is only too hard if I say it is, and maybe that is the real problem. I have been saying that for too long. The background noise in my skull is a constant rumbling of defeat.

I want it both ways. I want to wallow in the impossibility of success— yet simultaneously yearn for it. Oh, it is easy to find folks to commiserate with. It seems almost everyone can talk about what we aren’t doing, aren’t accomplishing. And those folks, myself included, can discuss with fervor the things we want to do, want to make happen. Lose weight. Organize the house. Stick to the budget. Write the damn book.

But I know we want more then that. We also want the part that is scary to say out loud, even to our closest friend, dearest confidant. The things like:

I want to lose weight so I can feel sexy in my own skin.

I want to organize the house so when I wake up I no longer feel overwhelmed at my own life.

I want to stick to a budget so I can save enough to leave this suburban life behind and no longer be stuck to a mortgage I don’t want.

I want to write the damn book so I can tell the world the story written on the tablet of my heart. 

I want more than to just talk about what I want with my life. I want to make it happen and I want to stop making excuses for why it isn’t happening, right now.

I want To Play Like A Champion.

And I don’t want to pretend, anymore, that what I really want is any less than that. I want to finish my sentences with the truth that is scary to say out loud.

Rules are hard. Even the ones we want to follow, because the excuses we hold onto are always right around the corner, waiting to creep in and take hold. I want to shake the excuses off. I want to shake them off and be a champion.

Would you like to join me?

using the back door, tonight.

9 Jan

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I feel like using the back door on my own blog tonight. I want to slip inside, unnoticed, maybe lean on the kitchen counter and take in whatever is going on around me. Maybe the real party is happening in my living room. Maybe friends are sitting around, on the couch and in the blue velvet chairs talking over  glasses of mason jars filled with boxed wine. It is cozy in the living room, I know, I am welcome  out there. But I just want to stand in the back ground for a bit, by the back door.

The holidays were good. Busy and good. And I really love the New Year. I love the possibilities, the plans. This feels like a good time of year. But this year just feels like a full blown scale-back. Scaling back in terms of commitments and pressure. Scaling back in terms of making a good impression and making people happy. Scaling back in terms of the actual scale after that Christmas Day butterscotch pie ( & more). I dunno. I just kinda want to use the back door and do my own thing.

Maybe I’m getting old. You know,  maybe I am becoming the old lady down the street who doesn’t wear a bra and is always sneaking out the back door to smoke a cigarette (or worse). Don’t worry, friends, I’m not there yet. I am still me through out, just  feeling quieter, yet braver, all at the same time and in all different ways.

Come on the back steps, if you like,  and sit with me, away from the party happening inside. I will share my lighter. If you sneak me out  a jar full of wine.

thoughts on a Thursday morning.

20 Dec

I feel like I can’t move forward on this blog without saying something about the tragic event that took place last Friday morning. I am  horrified, and broken by this, like so many others across the globe. In response to the event I want to state my opinion on gun control in our country. I couldn’t put it more clearly than Fareed Zakaria, a writer for the Washington Post,  already has, here.

I am reminded of the fragility of life as I drop my children off at school. I am reminded of the brokenness of humanity as I read peoples opinions and comments on varying articles across the internet in response to last Friday.  I am reminded of what matter’s the very most.

As my husband is a principal at a public school, I am reminded of the magnitude of responsibility he has at his job. I am reminded of how my mother in-law said he should wear a bullet proof vest to work. I am reminded that that idea may not be so far-stretched.

I am reminded that fear is real and that most Americans are walking with a stronger sense of that fear right now. As we make decisions for our everyday life, how can we not measure it against the bigger picture? I am reminded that as trite as it may sound, life has no guarantees. And that is scary.

I am reminded that while I do not want to live in fear each and every day, I will until gun control laws in America change.

time travel.

28 Nov

 

 

I was looking for an old hat  I had stored in the furnace room. And I reach inside the box and instead of a hat my hands find a way to time travel. 

 

It is a magic portal to another time and space and my hand shakes as I hold the photograph containing pieces of my heart. My eyes fill fast, because I know time travel is a tricky thing and the formula doesn’t always translate the same the second time you try.

 

But this time, it is working. And I see through foggy eyes the power of the past. The  little fingers and the curly hair  caught in an image and the image is standing still. And my breathe is standing still, too.

I look around for a hand to hold, although I know the house is empty, because suddenly stumbling on the past seems like to much for my heart to bear.  I breathe in, deep, even though it is hard to do.  There is a longing and a love and an ache that happens when you time travel, I’ve done this before.  I close my eyes, smiling through the tears, holding tight to the memories stored in this portal.

It is a beautiful thing, finding a gateway to your heart, when you weren’t looking for it.

 

 

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