I know. I went missing around here at the end of 2012. I kept thinking, these past few weeks, I really must sit down and pound out the words on my heart at this moment in time. I didn’t want to forget or I was wanting to remember, but then life kept happening and so all those little words and thoughts are mostly lost.
But some of them, I guess the ones that really matter, are still swimming around in my mind. Life-happenings helped me refine my thoughts and avoid blog-vomit. You’re welcome.
The holidays were really weird and emotional and weepy for me this year. It is like everything I used to think was wrong is actually right and everything I held tight to is a bit of a waste. Like wasted energy. And wasted space and wasted brain power. I think for the past forever I’ve been one of those people who are wound up too tight (although always denying it). And I know I eluded to it a bit back about redefining expectations- but seriously, like LIFE IS SHORT. And if my expectations on my life are out of whack, that means my life is out of whack. And seriously, I don’t want my short, short life to be whack.
I WANT MY LIFE TO BE MARVELOUS and INTOXICATING and RIDICULOUS.
And the thing is, my short life will never be marvelous or intoxicating or ridiculous if I am stressing out on Christmas Eve that the one package I am waiting on to be delivered from the interwebs HAS NOT ARRIVED AND THEREFORE CHRISTMAS IS RUINED -> that is not an intoxicatingly marvelous person- that is an annoying person. I don’t want to be annoying.
I think a lot of times I get all stressed out about what people are gonna think or say or if they are offended or if they are mad. And then I stop living my short life the way I really want to. I am going to stop doing that. Obviously I don’t want to be this major jerk, I want to be compassionate and graceful and kind- but I also want to be okay with saying, HEY, ACTUALLY I DONT WANT TO DO XYZ AND I WANT TO DO QRS. And then after I say that, to not think about it anymore, because I need to know that the people who would get mad that I feel like a change is the best thing for me, aren’t really my people.
I also wanted to say one more thing (and I kinda feel like the blog-vomit I was wanting to avoid is actually happening now), but I am in a really happy place in my life right now. My word for last year was BRAVE and I just want to say, I think that me accepting and embracing the concept of BEING BRAVE is what has helped allow space for so much healing in my life. I feel like choosing to BE BRAVE this year gave me this crazy-fearlessness I haven’t felt in a really long time. And the sad thing is, that was always who I have been, THIS BRAVE GIRL. It’s just that life wear us down, right? And we lose those little pieces of ourselves that are precious and beautiful and real.
I got one of the best compliments of my life the other day. I was leaving the movies with my sister-in-laws and husband. We had just watched This Is 40. And there is this scene in the movie where the couple leaves their kids for the night and stay at a hotel and get all cray-cray, letting all of their guards down. So my SIL turns to me and says that while she was watching that scene she could picture Jer and I acting exactly like that when we go out of town.
And it was a simple sentence but it made me feel amazing, becasue I was seen by someone else in this way, like the girl I am was seen by my SIL. It made me feel so known. And maybe that seems weird to write down, but the thing is, I have worked hard to be understood and be known and I guess being Brave has been a big part of that for me this year.
And I want my people, the ones who read this blog, to feel like they can be known and understood and accepted too. Because it feels really good.
I don’t have a word for this year picked out. I don’t know, nothing has come to me I guess. And in light of my continual choice to redefine, I am being okay with not having a word on JANUARY FIRST. The world, mine or otherwise, has not ended because of this.
Okay, so one more thing, (and this is the very last, I promise)- Thank you for reading this blog and adding your thoughts to the posts and just being apart of this short life with me. I feel honored to be on this journey with you. Really. And I hope your 2013 is full of marvelous-ness.