Last week was long in many ways. Mostly in the form of lay-overs and cancelled flights and lots and lots of driving. But in other ways, the ways that matter, it was too short.
We arrived at Phoenix’s school not knowing how he would respond, not knowing how we would respond. But after a lengthy conversation with the director many of our fears were erased. We saw how good the program truly was, we saw how committed the faculty were, we saw how tight the ship was being run and that gave us the freedom to breathe a bit, in ways we hadn’t for several months.
We took P out to lunch and shopping for some new clothes {oh how tall he is growing!} and then we went to a park for a bit. We were able to talk and laugh and be serious and get teary eyed.
It was good, friends.
Saying good-bye was as bittersweet as I imagined. It went against all the humanity within me to walk away without my child. As much as I *hoped* it would be like visiting a child in college, it’s just plain not. It is like visiting someone in rehab, when you are still unsure if when they leave they will choose to ‘work the program’. Yet, still knowing that the place they are at the moment is the best possible place for them to be.
And on the long road home, leaving a truly beautiful place in middle America, I was able to let go of so much. Let go because I have come to find peace in all this.
See, people constantly tell me that they don’t know how I manage all these kids, and my usual response is, ‘It doesn’t seem crazy to me, it has become my normal.’ Sure, in the beginning when I went from 2 to 5 children overnight and didn’t know what the heck I was doing in a million and one ways it did seem crazy, but not now. Now I know how much milk to buy and how often I need to do the laundry and I can make better decisions on whether or not Easter baskets are a necessity.
The same is true with having a child in a Residential Treatment Center. In the beginning it seemed crazy. It seemed unreal and surreal and like, I couldn’t believe this was actually my life.
But now, now it’s my normal.
There is that growing up thing going on here for me, and yeah, it sucks.
But it also feels Brave.
Thank you for the emails and texts and love last week, friends, it truly gave me the extra dose of strength I needed.
xoxo.
hugs to you Anya! So glad for the good news
Love this so much. I want to go back and read your links later. I am still learning your story. It’s a pretty good one.
I was hoping to read a post like this one!!! Love you Friend!!! You are doing an awesome job at Motherhood!!!