Archive | April, 2012

late night gratitudes.

30 Apr

It is 10:45 and I just ate a handful of Cheeto’s and a glass of boxed wine. I suppose confessions are best made when the sky is dark and the house is quiet.

I wanted to come to this little place and list my gratitudes at this moment, on this day.

To record where my heart is at this time in history.

Today I am grateful for:

::a friend who made me a {delicious} latte this afternoon, willing to chat about the everyday parts of our lives.

::a daughter who choose to be Brave this weekend, even though it is so, so hard.

::a dedicated group of writers who push me every. single. day. to put the story of my heart on paper.

::a husband who drinks coffee and plays board games with me on Sunday mornings.

::a son who lets me sing him to sleep, lets me kiss his tears, who is willing to share his hurt with me.

::a phone call with my oldest friend, laughing out loud despite the hundreds of miles that separate us, feeling like I was sitting on her couch.

::deals at the Good Will in the form of bicycles and sweat pants.

::cheetos. and wine.

Sweet Dreams, my friends.

May you always find gratitude in this great big beautiful life.

 

 

Tags: , , , , ,

the moment you realize you are ‘that’ family.

27 Apr

This morning after I dropped the kids off at school I made a detour. One I have been making a few times a week for the past month. The Saint Vincent DePaul Thrift Store Furniture Annex .

I am in search of bunk beds. Like, desperately. Like my two little boys have been sleeping on matresses on the floor for the past two months desperate. Ever since I decided to rearrange the house in an afternoon.  Their beds finally fell apart mid-move. I wasn’t heart broken. They  were five years old, from IKEA and had probably bed disassembled, shoved and tortured at least a dozen times in their lives. I got my monies worth.

But see, little boys are these dangerous creatures. Who have a habit of playing with trucks at 4:30 am every day in their room because hey, there are NO BOUNDARIES WHEN YOU SLEEP IN A PILE OF BLANKETS ON THE FLOOR.

Little boys need boundaries.

Specifically, boundaries in the shape of a bed.

So I made my way to the S.V.D.P.T.S.F.A. again in search of beds less expenisive the the ones IKEA was tempting me with. But see, I really, really, really do not want to part with so much money for a few valid reasons:  a)I know the beds will be trashed if they are from IKEA {remember why we are getting beds in the first place?} and b) I want to be able to accomplish some savings goals I currently have in place.

Blah.

Anyways, I was in the store and found a rather cheap solution. For 40 bucks I got a twin size bed and a toddler bed. But as I was looking the beds over I was confused on what screws I needed and thankfully I looked over at just the right time. My friend was there and was able to help me figure out what screws to get. And then he helped me carry the beds to the car.

But the thing is, the entire time we were looking at the beds my little ones were being those kids. I had handed my 5 yo my coffee cup and now all 3 of them 4 of us were somehow doused in lukewarm brown liquid. I noticed that my daughter had about a dozen holes and snags in her bright red tights that matched *perfectly* with her adidas sweatshirt. My son had holes in both his knees that he was purposely making bigger while wearing mismatched rain boots on the wrong feet. And me? I had forgotten that my hair was in a pony tail on the very top of my head until I got in the car and drove away.

Did I mention the toddler who just about broke the baby swing he was climbing in and out of?

But the kicker is, and the reason I wanted to let you know that we are in fact that family, was that after I surveyed the scene, purchased the beds and got us all in the van- I still drove straight to the hardware store for screws.

Mismatched-snagged tights-coffe stained people that we were.

Thanks for loving us anyways…

Tags: , , , , , , ,

have to, should & i don’t have time.

23 Apr

I heard a life coach this morning talk about our words and how they affect the way we see ourselves and the world around us.

She suggested cutting out all the HAVE TO’S , our SHOULDS and our I DON’T HAVE TIME’S that we use when we communicate.

I personally was nodding at all the things she said.

It is interesting because the simple phrase, I don’t have time , has got to be the thing that most grates at my core of any one thing a person could say. We all have an equal amount of time. We all have 24 hours. If nothing else in this crazy mixed up world- we’ve all got that.

Instead we can purpose to say, I have chosen to do something else with my time. For example, I pick Reality TV over reading. I pick work and money to pay my bills over exercise. I pick yard work over going out for coffee.

But the other ideas she mentioned- cutting out the HAVE TO’S and the SHOULD’S was a great reminder to me, personally, on ways I can further my goal of using my speech for truth. Not to mention the fact when we purpose to say I am choosing to go to the PTA meeting over I HAVE TO go to the PTA meeting we are empowering ourselves with our choices.

I know I find my self saying I should really {insert here: any daily activity possible.} One way I have been working on combating this and still accomplishing my daily goals is to make a little to do list. Each day last week I started the morning by making a list that included things I valued and wanted to accomplish for the day. Simple things like drink water, iron clothes and do a math and reading lesson with Maisey and Lincoln were included. Perhaps you don’t find yourself at the end of a day thinking of all the things you SHOULD HAVE DONE- but I do. And last week I must say I felt much better each night knowing I did the things that I valued.

 

I did the things I chose to do.

I had time for all the things I prioritized.

I decided what I valued for the day.

How do you turn your shoulds and haves to’s and don’t have time’s into something more positive? How do you arrrange your day to feel empowered by the choices you make?

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

surprise! {the story of turning 30}

20 Apr

It started with staying the night in the city. Kids with the grandparents {thank you!!!}

A birthday dinner planned in the city with my brother and his fiance and my sister and her hubs.

We ate at The Sexton {best. fried. chicken. ever}.

My birthday card from my mom {given to me by Jer at dinner} said she was gifting me with another night in the city sans kids!

Then Jer’s card said we were going to go shopping for some new digs and go to a fancy-shmancy dinner he had planned for the two of us!

Um. Sounds like an amazing plan, right?

Well it got better.

After a Sounders game,

shopping at Anthro for a dress {and polka dot tights!}

I got all dressed up. Got in a cab headed for a super secret lo-cal. We were dropped off at an average looking restaurant called Grimms, but Jer took the lead- we headed straight up the tucked away stairs to a room filled with some of my very favorite people on earth.

It was truly an amazing SURPRISE.

All night long I had the chance to talk with friends and family,

drink my special cocktails,

laugh.

smile.

In the Butterfly Room. A room surrounded by hundreds of butterflies in vases. It was spectacular.

Post party we headed up another flight of stairs to the DANCE PARTY in the Woodland Room.

Yes, we danced liked fools, till our feet ached in the late night club.

We finished the night with a taco truck.

And man. It was the night of my life.

Thank you to all the wonderful loves of my life who trekked all the way, found child care for the kiddos, who came to celebrate silly ‘ole me.

And a very special thank you to Jerbear.

For knowing me best.

For loving me best.

For always, always, always finding ways to make my heart sing, my dreams to come true, my life to be more full then I could have possibly dreamed.

I am the lucky one.

xoxoxo.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

friday five spot.

13 Apr

Hello friends! The sun is shining here in the Pacific Northwest and that means scooters, hula hoops and bikes are scattered around my yard {as opposed to our indoor playground aka the basement}!

Here is the five spot:

1. Yesterday, after my dreadiversary post, jerbear brought home this bottle of wine:

In honor of the two year mark. It totally cracked me up.

2.When Moses was little and the only kiddo I had, I remember taking him the pet store quite often. We have never been ‘pet people’, but little ones get so happy over seeing hamsters and rats crawling around that the five minute walk around the shop was always so worth it. Not to mention the one in our town is located next door to the Goodwill! Well, somehow I have not entered the pet store in the past 5 years and thought that yesterday after our GW run, perhaps the 3 little ones would like to poke around for a few minutes.

Pure Bliss!

3. Last night Jer decided we should have a birthday pre-funk date night and came home with the wine, but also a BLT salad from a pizza place we like. Once the kids were in bed we picked out a movie on the television. We landed on a new pre-release called A Little Bit of Heaven starring Kate Hudson. I think she is really adorable, but this movie… let’s just say I cried for an hour straight. I should have gathered as much from the synopsis, considering it is about a woman dying of cancer. Not a happy movie. It is a downer to say the least.

4. I am headed to Seattle this afternoon with Jer to celebrate my 30th birthday with my siblings. I thought about doing an entire post lamenting my old age, but decided against it. Afterall, this morning when Moses snuck in my bed to wish me happy birthday while the rest of the house was still sleeping, he asked, ‘Mom, how old are you?’ I said, ’30- aren’t I such an old lady!’ To which he responded, ‘Well, you are pretty old, but not really old, like grandma’. So that made me feel better. {Sorry mom..}

5. I have already felt so loved on this day! I opened my door this morning to find a box filled with these treasures:

My friend Pamela had these ceramic tiles made with some of my favorite photos on them!

And yesterday my friend Heather gave me this wonderful utility tote with my word of the year, BRAVE, embroidered on it {in my favorite color to boot!}:

I actually get a little teary eyed thinking about it because these are just so dang thoughtful. I am feeling the love today.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend friends. You have truly made this year more full for me by being apart of it through this blogging space.

 

 

Tags: , ,

2 year dreadiversary!

12 Apr

It is crazy to think I have had my little dreadlocks for 2 entire years. Part of me feels like I have always had them, the other part wakes up in the morning wondering where my hair went. I have dreaded  two times before in my life, and both involved a bunch of wax and basically everything else that was a big no-no. This time I went to an expert {not that my mom didn’t try,!}.

{my first ‘after’ shot!}

I had them put in by a wonderful lady in Portland who worked at a little shop and did dread perms. I know there is controversy on this ‘method’ but I was willing to pay some money to get them to stick this time. My hair, although a little curly is still pretty fine. And a dread perm was perfect for giving it the coarseness I needed for it to actually dread.

I wasn’t even going to go, actually. I had been telling Jer that for my 30th birthday I was going to take the plunge and do it. He said that was the dumbest thing he had ever heard. That life is short and why wait 2 years for what my heart really wants today?

He is a smart guy that jerber.

So he drove me down for my 28th birthday, and even held our 5 month old baby the 5 hours I was with the miracle worker.

It looks so undreaded then,huh? Well after this I didn’t wash it for 8 weeks.When I finally did, I did another controversial thing {but what the girl at the salon recommended} and got myself a little felting needle at the craft store and started felting my hair. I was so excited I started at like 4 am the morning after I got the needle and didn’t stop till I had felted all of my little baby dreadlocks.

{Here they are after my first felting.}

Well, after this I promptly forgot I had dreadlocks for approximately one year. Funny, but I don’t have a single picture of this time of just my hair. They really were not apart of my everyday life. They still aren’t. They are a piece of me. A piece that speaks to my heart, but they have a healthy place in my life.

Finally last summer I had Bela take a handful of pictures of my locks. And they look so different after a year!

I had a few feathers put in while I was in Maui and they are still hanging in there! I love the subtle burst of blue.

This is in January. I have a lovely dread ‘halo’ of lose hairs most always, and that is what they really are about for me. Letting go. Being okay with the crazy, the mess. AND I JUST LOVE THEM!

This was a picture taken in March in Orlando with my dread sisters:) Jer got me the pretty white flower bead for Christmas in my stocking. Aww….

I do think some additional color woven in would be fun, but no rush. That will happen when it is supposed to.

I feel like they are finally getting some length, which I am happy about. For a long time I just felt like they were constantly shrinking everytime I washed them. Also, it is interesting how how I used to be so concerned with how I washed them, how I slept in them. Now, I am very flexible with it all. If I am out of the house and feel like I want to wash them, I grab a bar of soap and wash with that. At home I use a simple baking soda/water solution and rinse with ACV. If I am out of those staples and there is a tear free bottle of kid shampoo I will use that. It is all about ease, about letting go. About not worrying about the lady at the grocery store pointing. Haha.

No, seriously.

I am so happy I did this 2 years ago and am not starting my dread journey now:) Life is short, ya know?!

 

Tags: , , , ,

vacation fun{d}.

10 Apr

I was recently talking with my friend Heather and we were discussing two types of people. The people who will do without on a weekly basis so they can save extra $$  for vacation and those who would rather have the day to day benefit of things purchased or experienced. I am in the former camp myself. I am willing to sock away money each month with the gratification of planning, researching, and looking forward for months in anticipation of a vacation.

In fact, I have found my happiness increases when I have something to look forward too. Even if that means scrimping  here and there. Such as scouring Goodwill or Target for a bargain or not remodeling the bathroom or having a few weeks of lame-ish dinners to reach our vacation fund goals. Heather on the other hand would rather have a new washer and dryer or the option of going out to eat more often. Of course we heartily agreed we would rather have BOTH- but we are living in reality :) {most days}.

Last week we went to Great Wolf Lodge with the kids and we had a ridiculous time. Ridiculously good time. It reminded me why vacations are so valuable to me {besides the no cooking or cleaning part!}. Time away from real life allows us all to decompress with the people we most adore .

It means saying YES way more then no.

It means nachos with scary cheese sauce.

It means 32 ounce slushies {with refills!}

It means extra hours to hold the baby that ‘real life’ doesn’t always afford.

It means smiles & laughter & memories.

It means I will stay in the vacation fund camp for now:)

{Yes, I recognize some families have budgets very tight without the luxury of vacation savings. It is all relative and we all have to do the best with what we’ve got, with the choices we make.}

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

going & growing.

9 Apr

Last week was long in many ways. Mostly in the form of lay-overs and cancelled flights and lots and lots of driving. But in other ways, the ways that matter, it was too short.

We arrived at Phoenix’s school not knowing how he would respond, not knowing how we would respond. But after a lengthy conversation with the director many of our fears were erased. We saw how good the program truly was, we saw how committed the faculty were, we saw how tight the ship was being run and that gave us the freedom to breathe a bit, in ways we hadn’t for several months.

We took P out to lunch and shopping for some new clothes {oh how tall he is growing!} and then we went to a park for a bit. We were able to talk and laugh and be serious and get teary eyed.

It was good, friends.

Saying good-bye was as bittersweet as I imagined. It went against all the humanity within me to walk away without my child. As much as I *hoped* it would be like visiting a child in college, it’s just plain not. It is like visiting someone in rehab, when you are still unsure if when they leave they will choose to ‘work the program’. Yet, still knowing that the place they are at the moment is the best possible place for them to be.

And on the long road home, leaving a truly beautiful place in middle America, I was able to let go of so much. Let go because I have come to find peace in all this.

See, people constantly tell me that they don’t know how I manage all these kids, and my usual response is, ‘It doesn’t seem crazy to me, it has become my normal.’ Sure, in the beginning when I went from 2 to 5 children overnight and didn’t know what the heck I was doing in a million and one ways it did seem crazy, but not now. Now I know how much milk to buy and how often I need to do the laundry and I can make better decisions on whether or not Easter baskets are a necessity.

The same is true with having a child in a Residential Treatment Center. In the beginning it seemed crazy. It seemed unreal and surreal and like, I couldn’t believe this was actually my life.

But now, now it’s my normal. 

There is that growing up thing going on here for me, and yeah, it sucks.

But it also feels Brave.

Thank you for the emails and texts and love last week, friends, it truly gave me the extra dose of strength I needed.

xoxo.

Tags: , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 154 other followers