Archive | March, 2012

spring is here, ish.

30 Mar

Spring break is here, and although the pouring rain outside is attempting to put a damper on things, I am trying my best not to let it.

We started break by going to parent-teacher conferences and it is so good to go to those little meetings and walk out smiling and hugging your kiddos for jobs well done. (insert brag: Bela gets an A+ for being an independent learner and example for her classmates and Moses gets and A+ for meeting reading benchmarks by more then double). It feels good though, to not walk out of a meeting with a teacher and be fuming about things your child was lying about/witholding/failing in. It like, you know, makes me feel better about myself.  And clearly, that is what I should be aiming for as a parent…Ugh.

We will be having a parent teacher conference with Phoenix in a few days as well. Jeremy and I are flying out early Monday morning to spend some time with P. We haven’t seen him since the end of August when I took him to school, and this will be Jeremy’s first visit to the campus. I don’t know what to think, let alone write.

I have a lot of *hope* for this trip, yet I am not sure if that is the correct word. I have written about 3 paragraphs and continue to hit delete, because my words are all jumbled and I guess the truth is, that is how my heart feels about all of this too. The idea of traveling down the long road to see him, and then once again traveling home without him, is sobering to say the least.

So, I will ask you, friends, to pray for us, think of us, love on us with tender thoughts. We could *use* it. Because as hopeful as we are, we are also trying to be realistic of our expectations of our time together. Sharing my heart with him through the photo book I made and the board game I am bringing and the words I want to say doesn’t mean anything will be reciprocated. And I am trying to prepare myself for that.

When we return we are taking the other children to swim and water slide and smile and the timing in that is perfect. I am thinking my little heart will need the reprieve from, well, the messiness of life.

xoxo, anya

 

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lincoln turns 5.

27 Mar

For his birthday date we headed to  lunch and The Lorax and the toy store. He was pretty zoomed in on Ninjago Legos and as much as I showed him all the other fascinating things that make noise and have wheels and do one shiny thing or another, it is pretty universal. We know what we want. Even when you’re five. So the Lego set was bought much to his joy, because a Skull Truck is so much more grand then a wagon or a puzzle.

And we laughed over good food and great company and more presents were to be had and this kid- this smiling kid of mine- was as he always is. Grinning. Laughing. Living every single second like it was his last. And how can a child do that so well when they don’t even know how short this life is? When you are five everything seems within reach, anything is possible. If you can dream a Skull Truck, you can have a Skull truck. And I never, ever want that heart of his to change.

Baby, the world is yours.

This little record of our life is so precious to me. I can record moments of growth and change and I can also post pictures of toddlers in heels. This internet thing is good, I tell you. And I don’t remember the joke (other then a boy princess) in this photo, but I do know one thing- Lincoln is the jokester and the class clown and every silly part of Jer and I put into one place. He was a happy baby. One who was so sweet and darling and easy going that by the time he was six months old we were at an agency looking to adopt a sibling group. This kid can make you do crazy things.

That is the part of him that is gonna move mountains.

Lincoln, you are a gem and you have my heart. Always.

Happy Birthday Boo.

 

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friday five spot.

23 Mar

1. I got a new BFF!

I watched the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead last week and am on the juicing band wagon. I know several other families are as well, like  this one and this one. I get why after a week of drinking this yummy stuff! This is my favorite blend:

beets+carrots+lemon+apple=:)

Truly though, it is much better then the V8 I tried to make yesterday. Maybe it was too much red onion, maybe too many tomatoes, all I know is it was seriously gross. I find this much more energizing then my green smoothies. Jer and I did a 30 day juice fast about 6 years ago. And I lost 24 pounds! But I was also a psycho *bleep* to be around so I am not going to do that again.

So what are we doing? This week I have been making Jer a 20 oz. bottles of juice for breakfast and lunch and I have been *mostly* doing the same. So we are meal replacing with amazing micronutrients! I am also *trying* to not eat or drink after 7pm. Sad right? But I will be much happier when I go to Jamaica this summer, just sayin’…I am not being hard core about it. I have cheated a few times (both were so worth it!), and that brings us to #2:

2. I saw these on Tuesday afternoon and on an impulse I stopped at the store on the way home from school for the ingredients. My kids thought I was magical.

So crappy picture aside, what is this?! It is an oreo topped with peanut butter, topped with an oreo topped with peanut butter baked inside a brownie. Um. Yeah. I also did a variation using cream cheese for the layers since I have one kiddo who dislikes peanuts. Basically a sugar coma- but oh so worth it.

3. Speaking of food, I have been really into making this apple cake. I have been making it once a week or so because it stores well and the kids love it. Also- so easy with the things I have on hand. Including the dozen canned apple quarts I don’t know what to do with. Fresh apples would work too. 

In a bowl mix:

3 cups flour

1 cup any sort of sugar

4 eggs

1 cup oil

1 tablespoon baking soda

1/2 cup apple juice or in my case the syrup from my canned apples

Then spread half the batter on the bottom of a 9 x 13 pan. Lay apple slice (however many you have) and sprinkle with brown sugaer, nutmeg, cinnamon, whatever you have around.

Then spread the 2nd half of the batter and bake for an hour on 350*

Smells good. Tastes good. Every piece is always eaten up. I tweaked a recipe I found on cooks.com and like this more. Less sugar, no oranges. Easy breakfast for us!

4.Also on the food wagon…Lincoln turned !5! yesterday (post and pics to come after his party tomorrow) but for breakfast I made some yummy,easy donuts.

Combine:

1 c. sugar
2 eggs, beaten
1 c. milk
1 tsp. vanilla
3 c. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
2 tsp. baking powder

Drop by teaspoonfulls into a pan of hot oil and turn when one side is brown. When cooked through and golden throw them in powder sugar or cinnamon and sugar and dig in. this recipe makes like, 40. And the whole plate will be devoured. MAke this for breakfast tomorrow!

5. I promise ONE ‘spot’ un-food related:) I turned of my facebook account, again. I know. I did the same thing last year and I realize I am not the only person with a never ending inner struggle with, well, everything. It came down, for me, the fact that last year when I was without fb I completed a novel. I want to do that again. So it is time to take a step back from that social outlet. I am hoping to continue to use this little space, but if I am here less, know that I am working hard at finding the ever precarious tight rope of a dance called Balance.

Happy Weekend Friends!

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a smattering of words & walls.

20 Mar

I have been continuing to fill my walls. My friend Kassie said I need to do a post showing how my living room looks before and after my craigslist endeavor. I have been waiting because while furniture and throw pillows are all arranged, the walls are lacking, well, everything. I grew so tired of the same pictures that had been hanging around me for a decade that I wanted something new and fresh. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen over night. At least on my budget.

So I am continuing to make this place my own, one little ball of yarn at a time. And it feels good, creating. I don’t ‘make’ something feeling like ‘Oh crap, now I just have a hundred new things to add to my to-do list.’ Instead I get a little spurt of motivation and I’m telling you, if you give this girl a paint pen who knows what hell is gonna break loose. So this is a good style for me now. Manageable things for the hour I ‘should’ be folding laundry. Knowing this feeds my soul in ways laundry never has. So my ‘shoulds’ are replaced with ‘what do I need’ and that makes a little bit more sense to me right now. Laundry can wait. Always.

I have a joined a weekly writing group. It was forged so naturally among some writers and I must tell you I was dragging my feet about it. They suggested a few times for us to meet and after reflecting on my schedule I said, “Nope, only this one time slot in the week will work for me.” They came back saying, “Great- that will work great for all of us.” And suddenly I had to face the reason I was hoping for an out. Committing to this group and setting weekly goals and really diving into to our stories together meant I was gonna have to work. Often. And not just when the kids were napping. But in the hours before the house woke up and possibly in the hours when the house went to sleep. And I am realizing how good this is for me. If you write in a little box of your house and no one is asking what you got done in the last week the truth is maybe nothing got done. But suddenly when four other people are asking what you have done, people who know your characters, know your pages- when they ask it will seem really flat to say, “Oh I was just reworking some things.” That isn’t gonna fly.

And that’s a good thing.

So I am trying to take out doubt and using this little door by my computer to be my constant reminder that I can do this. I can make it a priority. Fear is really the only thing in the way. Fear that I won’t have anything to say, or that the novel I wrote last year is the only thing inside me. I have to push that fear aside and dig deeper. And believe in my characters, my story.

And I have to see my writing like I am seeing my walls. One thing at a time. One chapter line at a time. Knowing that writing feeds my soul in the way a paint pen does.The laundry can wait.

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when you can’t get the right words on paper,

17 Mar

sometimes you can get the right words on your walls.

I have been away for a week from this little space. I have had lots of thoughts swirling in my head, but instead being able to formulate them into a pretty-package-of-a-post they have been coming out in phrases on my walls. Some from pinterest inspiration, others from the story of my heart. Either way, I am hoping each time I walk through the kitchen door or into the bathroom I can be reminded of my little *truths*.

 

 

 

My therapeutic advice for the day? When feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed by this great big world around you- dig around the garage for some old paint cans and scrawl out the words that are penetrating your heart. You will feel better, promise. xoxo

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friday five spot.

9 Mar

Quick and to the point darlings:

1. We have been super into composting and recycling and being eco friendly with our waste this past week. In Orlando one of the ladies taught us about bottle bricks and so we have been making them. Well, actually one. Because this is the extent of our trash for the last 3 days (excluding diapers, I know, terrible)! Usually we go through one bag a DAY. So this is crazy cool. I will let you know what I will actually do with them when they are full but perhaps build furniture for outside?

2. The sun was out yesterday and I sent the kids out to play after school. They were having picnics and making forts and getting bloody lips and screaming at one another- but it was all happening outside! I am getting all butterfly-ey over the thought of spring because it means kids can explore OUTSIDE.

3. I started menu planning again due to a few reasons. 1) I am pretty busy in March and this gives Dad a good heads up on whats for dinner and 2)I save time and money at the grocery store. So Winning! And truly, I do feel more organized and less frantic about meals. It is all there laid out for me. Are any of you doing this anymore?

4. Bela has been making these little mixes for cookies and treats the last several weeks and really enjoys it. The instructions are simple (just add butter) and although she may be able to manage a more complicated recipe- this is a great beginning step for her, especially since she finds so much success at it. All the kids praise her work well done and are so excited about the treats she provides for everyone. It is a great self confidence booster and one that is worth the extra few dollars every shopping trip to add one into my basket. But I did find this little idea on pinterest and thought perhaps it would be worth a try?

Pre-Made Cookie Mixes!

5. I am headed to San Francisco this afternoon! I leave after school lets out for a quick weekend to celebrate with my oldest friend as she celebrates her 30th birthday with a big ‘ole bash! See you next week as I share about my little adventure!

{2 summers ago as we drove through SF on our west coast road trip!}

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feelings.

8 Mar

I am a very emotional person.

Sometimes it is a good thing. I go into things with a big heart and believing in real change. That is why I started the journey of adoption in the first place. I felt like I could change the world, one child at a time. I believed in the power of love and the power of hope and the power of redemption.

But sometimes being an emotional person doesn’t work to my advantage. Sometimes it actually makes things seem so much worse then they really are, so much harder to cope with, so much more unbearable.

For example, an emotionally even keel person could look at a situation with their children and utilize this beautiful thing in which I greatly lack: PERSPECTIVE.

Scenario: The child steals food from the kitchen and lies about it (for the 800th time) and my response would be: “Why can’t they trust me? Why are we still in the same  place for years? Why is my life falling apart? I need some Ben and Jerry’s and wine because everything is crumbling around me wahhhahahaaaawaaaaaa.”

A person with a healthy perspective would say: “Man, that is lame. I guess I should figure out a better food storage solution. I am gonna go unload the dishwasher now.” And then they proceed to do this amazing, miraculous thing: Move On.

When I was in Orlando I had the opportunity to talk at length with a really spectacular woman. I kept saying how I was ‘feeling’ and how I wasn’t ‘feeling’ and how I just wish I had certain ‘feelings’.

To which she promptly told me: EMOTIONS ARE CRAP.

To which I wanted to say, “But I love my emotions. They stick by my side when everything else is falling apart. My emotions are my little babies who need me. They need me!!!” 

But I didn’t because she hit the truth head on and I needed to get over myself.

Emotions are crap when they are getting in the way of real change and real growth.

I keep saying I want that real change, real growth (and I am talking about me here- not the kids)- yet I am standing in the same place and not going anywhere.

There is a saying in adoption circles, ‘Fake it till you make it.’ Meaning, even if you aren’t feeling something at the moment you can go through the motions and eventually you will get there. I personally hate that phrase. It is like a big ‘ole smack to my emotional headspace. I don’t want to fake anything. I want to feel it. I want to bask in it. And that is all good and everything until you realize nothing is moving forward. And how does that feel?

Even worse.

So, I am going to use this new phrase. It is one that feels better then ‘fake it till you make it’. It is one that is actually confronting my ‘issues’.

EMOTIONS ARE CRAP.

I will let you know how it goes:)

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orlando.

7 Mar

Last week I boarded a jet plane and took a flight across the country to meet 89 complete strangers.

 

Since my word of the year is Brave I think doing this one thing just about covered me for the remaining months. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I was nervous. But, Yes- I did it.

And thank goodness I did. And though everyone says this weekend will change your life, change doesn’t come easy to me. Growing up as an ARMY brat one would think I mastered it a few decades ago- but here I am. Nearly 30 years old and still as scared as ever of the term: change.

But one thing I did have going for me was the fact I was going to be in a house with Christine Moers. Which, in attachment parenting circles, is pretty dang awesome. So that helped. Also, the 3 in-flight beverages contributed my relaxed sense of self as a stranger picked me up in her mini van and took me out to dinner. And stranger is a term never to be used again with the lovely Wendy Taylor. I mean, we cried in a hot tub for a good hour over our sense of loss in life. And once you cry those ugly tears, well, we sealed the deal on our sisterhood.

A few days in I found myself in the bathroom crying and stopping and splashing cold water and telling myself to get a grip and crying again and trying to breathe. And as I tried to pinpoint my mini personal crisis, I realized that these 90 women have all been brought together because of heart ache and heart break and that is powerful. I was being undone as I began to truly grasp the truth in ‘You Are Not Alone.’ Once that truth sank in deep to my soul I let the flood banks loose.

And yes, the majority of that happened as the tears rolled down during a sing-a-long sesh with the ladies in my villa. And yes, I cried through Shania Twain and Tiffany songs.

But lest you think the weekend was a full fledged sob fest, I am not painting an accurate picture. The weekend was also full of smiles, the kind that happen when the hot tub is going and the neighbors do a little drop off of champagne for the trauma mamas.

The kind of smile that happens when you see past the pain in a woman’s heart and see her glow as you get the privilege to learn she is so much more then that.

The kind of smile that happens when you know you are loved by a group of women after only four days of being in one another’s lives.

The kind of smile that happens when you are apart of something real, something true, something Magic.

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