Archive | July, 2011

a new perspective.

31 Jul

Most moments on  my journey with RAD  have been pretty crappy. Success has been rare and even then it is often overshadowed with the gut reaction of  ‘well, this is only going well because of x, y, or z”. I am always looking for the other shoe to drop.

Our oldest son was gone for six months this year. He was in a place that contained him and was safe. He wanted to be there, he didn’t want to be home. This happened back in January. Behaviors had gotten severely unsafe in our house. When he was admitted to the inpatient unit I was so overwhelmed at the complexity of the issue that I didn’t know what to do if he wasn’t accepted.

The six months flew by. We did our family therapy each week. We did visits at parks and visits at Starbucks and visits with Grandparents. We let him come back in our home for the night. We awkwardly maneuvered this incredibly unnatural situation. We cried.

Our family has been back together for 4 weeks now.

Nothing has changed.

Wounded hearts didn’t heal, old behaviors are back. It is so sad to know change isn’t coming any time soon.

Therapy is stopped for the time being, the effort and energy and resources to show up each week isn’t worth the cost.

I am sharing this to say, really- things don’t always get better with time.

Yes, we can learn to better handle situations, to more quickly put out fires, to avoid confrontation or conversations- but that isn’t really making things better, it ins’t allowing that elusive healing to take place.

It is merely learning to cope with the situation in a less volatile way.

I have spent 3 1/2 years desperately clinging to the hope that things will get better. I haven’t spent much time thinking about the reality of what I am faced with now- that maybe they won’t.

Maybe the ‘better’ isn’t something I am going to see in the next five years that  I am responsible for the care of my child.

The letting go and dying of dreams can be hard. You know the dreams that your child will go to an Ivy League school or your child is going to play in the NFL.  I am talking about something more primal here though.

I am talking about the fact that maybe my child will always see me as the enemy.

And that reality is hard to swallow. That was not my dream.

And realizing no amount of tough love, boundaries, ‘time in’ or bonding is going to help.

I spoke with a really amazing therapist this week and he told me two pieces of information that I want to tattoo on my hand or my forehead or at least bind on the tablet of my heart:

“You can’t work harder then he is.”

and

“If he wants to be miserable that is his choice.”

I know it is possible, but in practice it is so hard to watch someone you care about, someone you have moved mountains for- purposefully choose everyday to be miserable.

To hear them say, ‘I do not care. I will not work at this.”

To hear that and respond with, ‘Okay, that is your choice. It is not mine. I am going to bake oatmeal cookies now.” Or watch back to back episodes of the Millionaire Matchmaker or text my husband and figure out when in the next 4-6 hours I can get the heck out of my house and breathe.

To not dig deeper with him, to try and help him care, to challenge him to value people and experiences. To walk away.

And know that may very well be what my relationship with him will always be like.

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somewhere over the ocean.

29 Jul


Somewhere over the ocean, our hands held tight and we looked at one another and our eyes said what our hearts knew- how very far we have come.

And ten years may seem like a long time but many quick days make the whole sum and we aren’t quite there yet, August 11th is the real deal- but we had this week. This amazing week, and it will easily get us to the date in August when we made the jump, holding on for dear life.

And there are stories for sure,  swimming with sea turtles and roasted pigs at a luau, but really, it’s not those stories that made the week magic. It was the decades worth of stories that made it what it was. Because those are the stories that got us to here. To now. To this present place of a boy and a girl who still know they got lucky, so lucky,  when they met those many summers ago.

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reclaiming what was lost.

27 Jul

We have been going through our tornado-please-don’t-open-that-door of a garage. It had become the massive over flow from the house and it was out of control. It happens so fast doesn’t it? One month the garage is all clean, swept and the Christmas tree stand is in the corner and the next month there is 63 bags for the dump and a sprawling mess of broken toys, broken bikes and broken limps if you even try to enter without the light on.
Once the garage was tackled in a somewhat reorganized fashion, my husband set to work on the garden/compost/alley way. I will try to describe the situation to you. On the back side of our house there is the fenced yard on one side and then through the gate is a sloping driveway to the garage. Well, on the other side of the driveway is a cyclone fenced ‘garden area’. The 88 year old woman who lived here for the fifty years before we moved in had this 4×30 fenced space filled with veggies and rhubarb and raspberries and deliciousness.

We have turned it into a kids mud pit/ghetto sandbox, and then most recently, the catch all for the yard debris when my husband went to town and started lopping down tree’s in our yard. It is great to hold yard waste because it is fenced in and it doesn’t then fall in the neighbors gorgeous lilies.

But then behind the garden fenced area, there is a three foot high cement blocked square for compost. But we mostly just put dead Christmas trees there.

Until this past weekend when Jeremy was reclaiming the space. While he was digging around, quite literally, we found these two awesome concrete planters that are going to look great filled with flowers for our front porch.

We would have never found them if we weren’t trying to clean shop.

And that is basically what I am going through as a person.

You see, as I am cleaning my heart; sifting through a few years worth of pain, regret, depression, and fear: I am seeing these little pieces buried deep away that I want to reclaim.

Just like those buried pots in the compost.

And it takes work people.

Reclaiming lost pieces of ourselves is messy and sweaty and still brings us to tears.

But oh, when you find a part of yourself that you thought was lost- it is beautiful.

I’m finding glimpses of the fun mom who doesn’t care if the kids stay up later; because I want to be around them longer.

I’m finding glimpses of the wife who can remain calm and not need to be micromanaging every person around me.

I’m finding glimpses of the friend who has mental energy and space to think about and actively engage in relationships that I value.

I like what I am finding.

But I am sad when I realize things about myself that have been missing for so long, those lingering feelings of sorrow for lost time, lost chances.

I know all the pieces and parts I once was will never fully be mine again. Some things break for good, and thats okay. In that compost heap there were some things so fragile they couldn’t be repaired, rotting wood, broken glass.  It is the same in my heart- our hearts, too.

Some things can’t be re-purposed or refashioned or renewed.

But the things that can- Oh, the things that can.

I am desperate to reclaim the things I can.

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ugh. food. part 5.

26 Jul

So does it work?
Does taking a twenty dollar bill to the store every day work?
I have done it five times and Yes it does!
Five measly times but I have already learned a. lot.

Five times where I probably wandered the store for a bit, really had to get my bearings.
Times where at the checkout I had to ask the bagger to take out one of the avocados because it put me .48 over the line.
Times where I learned I literally must leave my wallet in the car because a debit card would be too tempting.
Times where I discovered the little local grocery store 1/2 a mile away regularly has awesome marked-down-must-use-today produce.
Times where I realized giving up the daily luxuries are hard. Not just for me, but the kids too.
Times where I realized taking those marked down bananas and blending them in the food processor makes for really yummy banana no cream-ice cream for the cheaps peeps.
Times where I listened to my 10 year old tell me that oatmeal with raisins makes a lot more sense then the expensive craisins (and tastes just as good too).
Times where I discovered that homemade carmel corn when you’re out of earths balance and all you have is coconut oil WILL WORK (just be sure to throw in some shredded coconut if you have it on hand!)

All in FIVE DAYS?!

So we are going to continue down this little path. We have already brainstormed ways to consume less and save more but they might be a little hard to swallow (no pun intended- any ideas of what I am talking about?!), so we will see how this goes before we do anything too drastic!

A few practical answers before I sign off on this little food series:

Q: What do you do when you are out of the basics you already have? Flour, sugar, EVOO?
A: Everyday if there is excess, whether a few dollars or a few cents, it goes in an old coffee tin. If there is enough saved in there we can use it towards those expenses. For example, on day four we ran out of veggie oil and olive oil. Eek! Luckily I already had five dollars and some change to purchase a small, on sale, bottle of EVOO. If the money isn’t there to cover the expense we will do without until there is.

Q: Can you still eat organically this way?
A: I think, and I hope, so. I will keep up to date on the worst non organic produce, I will weigh each choice the best I can. My local Fred Meyers has a bulk organic section. I can easily buy one days worth of rice, lentils, spices, oats, ect. This will be major help.

Q: But you love to can. How will you do this and stay in budget?
A: I decided that when I used to estimate my monthly grocery total it never factored in canned applesauce, jelly, jam ect. I will not do that now either. It is a hobby, something I do with friends and enjoy. I am not going to give up my fun summer ritual. A few weeks ago a friend and I went to a strawberry farm. We picked 40lbs of strawberries at 1.50$ p/lb! I currently have 28 quarts of strawberry freezer jam! Glorious! I am happy to use that instead of purchase jars of jelly every few days!

Q: What about having company? How will you factor in additional people at your dinner table?
A: I have no clue! Can you help me brainstorm?

I recognize that every.single.family is different. We all have different needs and wants and abilities. I recognize some of you reading this may already have this system, or one similar to it in place. I humbly realize that our family can utilize a new budget because we Want to, not because we Need to. I see the difference. I want to encourage you to share with me your great tips as I begin to look at food in a new way- as you can see from my above list of hints I learned in 5 days- that I have lots to learn.

Happy food journey-ing to you!

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ugh. food. part 4

25 Jul

So the real question is, is it possible?
Is it possible, with six kids to go to the store every.single.day?

Well, first of all I am out and about every day. I have kids to take and pick up from school. Either an appointment or an errand- something everyday.
Maybe for some people that would be a larger obstacle, but for me it isn’t. Besides, if I am only going for a few meal that i have mostly thought ahead about it is a quick in and out trip. Ten minutes. A few more if a kid wants to give input on the food.

The second question is, how much a day are we talking?
Now, in all transparent glory I will tell you I was spending roughly 1200$ a month on groceries. Now, before you drop your jaw, punch me in the face, tell me how I am a wasteful consumer let me tell you a few things. Not to justify, but to let you know a bit more about me, to share with you a piece of me:
When I am stressed with a particular, ahem, child, I want to make life easy and enjoyable. That includes(ed) a food service that would bring lovely organic fruit and veggies and bread to my local cofffee shop. It also included convenience food.
Also, I love love love to cook and prepare food. My days often include me perusing yummy food blogs/websites for inspiration, stopping for a particular ingredient- it is apart of my soul food.

So my thought was, could I cut that by 50%?
If I did, and went to $600p/m we would be talking a savings of $600 p/m!
That’s a lot.
And 600×12=7200.
That’s a bunch of cash people.
But is it realistic?
Well, 600×30=20.
20 Bucks A Day.

So the question is can I walk into the grocery store with a twenty dollar bill and feed 8 people 3 healthy, vegan, well rounded meals?

Part 5 will tell you!

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ugh. food. part 3.

24 Jul

So we figured out that we:
1) As a vegan household are still making greedy food choices
2) As a family of 8 valued saving money for day trips, vacations, outings and currently needed to be saving more $ each month if wanted to continue this.
3) As a family had began (baby steps here and just beginning) to see the value in consuming and owning less.

So then I made a plan.

It started out a few months back in a friendly conversation with a mom of ten. Her brood is older then mine, her youngest being 5- and a pack of hungry teens in the mix. I asked her if she lived at Costco.
She laughed at the idea.
She said, ‘I would be broke if I did that.’
I asked her to expound, and she basically said this: Grocery shopping for a large family at Costco is an easy $500 trip. If she were to walk in the house with all that food her kids would eat it all in a few days. It didn’t matter that it was a 52 snack pack of gummy bears- a 15 yo boy can.eat.them.all. And then she would be back in Costco two days later spending the same kinda cash. Her solution? Shop every day. Have a set amount of money in mind and spend that and then the kids ( in her case teens) can’t possibly eat you out of house and home. There are only groceries for the next three meals.

But what about meal plans? And menu planning? And stock piles and buying in bulk?

Well that was answered when my sister, her fiancee and I watched a few back to back episodes of ‘Extreme ‘Couponing’ and threw up in our mouths.

It is excess to a, well, extreme :)

There was one woman with an entire closet full of Mountain Dew. Seriously people.

So I thought to myself, ‘What if I went to the store everyday with cash in my hand and stuck to it? No more, no less. Didn’t matter if there was an amazing deal on…well actually not much because most foods that fit within our families diet never go on sale. If I just bought three meals at a time and stuck to it?

And on a deeper level:
How would it feel to not have x amount of fruit snacks on hand, extra frozen fruit for smoothies in the freezer, another half gallon of soy milk?

What about those millions of people who live like that every day?
How does my family relate to them?
Who DOES my family relate to and how do I feel about that?
What do I want to teach my family about food, about nourishment, about quality of life?

And that brings us to part 4.

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ugh. food. part 2.

23 Jul

So we became a vegan household.
I feel like I can write about it now, since we are 6 months in. I am feeling pretty committed and feeling really good about the food we are consuming and feeling a sense of success.
But it hasn’t really helped our food budget.
See, even with eliminating the fancy meat and dairy, we still found our indulgences. Like Kettle chips and wine.
Or sorbet and wine.
Or frozen dairy free waffles and wine.
Ok. I don’t drink wine at breakfast, but the waffles are $$$$ when you are buying enough boxes for 8.

Along with the money being spent on groceries, we were also realizing and purposefully thinking through our goals as a family.
And travel is a big one of them.
We like to save so we can do trips throughout the year.
That isn’t going to continue happening when we are spending four figures on groceries every month.

Besides the $ we want to tuck away for trips we are also evaluating the way we consume things. So many things. So many of us can fall into the consumer trap and acquire more stuff then necessary- but large families fall into it even easier. Besides the hand me down toys and clothes thoughtful people pass your way, imagine holidays. And I’m not even talking the big ones.
Think about 6 Easter baskets.
That is 6 separate baskets of non necessary STUFF.
Yes, some stuff is good.
But we tend to go over board with lots of it.
Mostly because it is fun to do. And it doesn’t hurt anyone. And it makes kids smile.
And when you have a RAD kid or two – smiling is a very good thing.
But really, there is a point where enough is enough.
So then we read a book, 100 Thing Challenge, and wow.

We packed away a few van loads to the Good Will.
I cleared out our furnace room which was really a room full of bins of clothes that currently did.not.fit.anyone. And I know some large or small families can utilize this system with great success- but for my husband and I it became a big ol’ giant heap of MORE.
More to take care of.
More to think about.
More to sort though.
So I got rid of every stinkin’ bin.
Whew, that was relief. But then I tackled my wardrobe and a few kids’ wardrobes and toys and book shelves.
I mean, really, am I ever going to re-read all 8 Shopoholic books?
I was on a roll.

But what does that all have to do with food?
Part 3 will be here soon.

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ugh. food. part 1.

22 Jul

Food and the acquiring and making and eating of it are important things for every person to think about. When you are doing acquiring, making and eating for eight people, it weighs even more heavily.
I have done the meal planning, menu making thingy. I have asked friends for advice and opinions on what works for them, what doesn’t and even number crunched with a few of you.
Why?
Because food is a part of life- a fun part and an expensive part and, well for a stay at home mom it is often a major way you contribute to your family’s quality of life.
I am often torn about all of the food hulabaloo because I want to balance good tasting food with healthy food with responsible food with economical food.
Hmm. That is a lot to put into account.
Remember when I did beans for a month last December? Yeah, I made beans and rice every day for dinner leading up till Christmas.
Christmas dinner and my famous (according to me) butterscotch pie never tasted so good.
The reason I was all about the beans was two-fold. 1) My family was becoming a bit to greedy with meals. Like the salad was only good if it had blue cheese in it and bananas were lame compared to delicious cantaloupe and milk in the morning wasn’t as good as vanilla steamers made on moms espresso machine topped with whipped cream. And 2) Our grocery budget was insane. Like insane people.
I know when you read a million blogs like I do you read about crazy obscure families with 48 people in them eating for 210$ a month. I know THAT is unrealistic, but I’m telling you Costco was eating me alive.
Anyways- what do beans have to do with me now?
Nothing really.
So why am I talking about it?
Well I wanted to share with you a little bit about some ch-ch-changes we have been going through since February.
See, my husband turned 35 and decided to become a healthier version of himself. He did this through Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred and eliminating lots of extras (bread, sweets) and it paid off. Like 30lbs paid off. Well, that was Phase 1. Phase 2 included reading a lot and a lot resonating with him regarding a vegan lifestyle.
Whoa.
If you know Jerbear then you know the first meal I learned to make as a 19 year old newly wed was meatloaf.
Meatloaf people. With gravy.
The gravy was probably from a packet.
But if you know Jerbear, then you also know he is an all-in kinda person too. Like when he goes for something, he goes, well, all in. Anyways, I was like, babe, if you want to go vegan- we can all go vegan. It would be silly to make separate meals for you and we shouldn’t care that much about what we are eating anyway.
So in February I bought some almond milk and cleared out the fridge and bought a bunch of Swiss Chard.
For a solid three months I was super good about it. Like, so good we went to Great Wolf Lodge indoor water park and ate nachos – WITH NO CHEESE.
But then I started to slide. Well, I decided I didn’t want to be the crazy lady (no offense) who wouldn’t let their kids eat string cheese at a birthday party. So we (actually, I did with myself, my husband doesn’t care where I fall regarding this) negotiated. I decided we can all eat ( for the most part) what we want when we aren’t at home, but at home we will stay on a vegan diet.
It has been super successful. Except for when the Pioneer Woman posted a recipe for a tuna melt and I was obsessed with making it and went out and bought ingredients (even mayo!!) and ate about 14 of them.
I am human.
Apparently a tuna melt loving human.

So, we have been learning loads about non dairy and non meat meals and have (over all) been pretty happy.
But that is just Part 1.
Part 2 is for another day.

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up, up and away.

15 Jul

I boarded a plane yesterday in the early hours of the morning. With Jeremy. We are headed out of town for 8 days for our 10 year anniversary.

It is has been a long anticipated trip that caused us to spend a zillion excitement filled hours on trip advisor.com but here it is.

And wow.

We have been away as a couple for two nights as the longest stretch since before kids entered our world so this is all new. We are different people then we were 7 years ago before Moses was born. When we could go see two movies in the same day on the weekend or grab a meal out whenever we wanted to and be down to wearing swimming suits under our clothes because we really needed to go to the laundry mat. Because we weren’t accountable to any other human being.

You know, it is just different when toddlers want a snack Right. Now. and tweens can’t find any clean underwear in the massive heap of laundry on the futon and the only movies you watch include Diego. Although that is not entirely true, my kids do love the old Beatles movies.

So yeah, it is just different. Real life is different.
A good different though.
I mean, I remember one double feature that include a Brittany Spears movie.
I went though a phase.

Anyways.

Here we are. On an island in paradise, with the man I love.
And I am looking forward to getting to know him as the person he is today, sans kiddos.

I think my meals are basically just going to be Mai Tai’s because that is who I am today, sans kiddos.

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a bit emotional.

12 Jul

Over Memorial Weekend I went to Vegas with my mother and sister. It was one of those times when all the busy and crazy and stressful parts of life disappear for three days and instead you can sit on the Sex in the City slot machine for way to long.

And drink free champagne.

I would do lots of things for free champagne.

Luckily in this case all I had to do was insert a one twenty dollar bill.

I had never done a trip like that with the women in my family, but it is refreshing to see people out of their daily environmnets and let loose on a dance floor. It does a body good.

One night while we were there we went to the Cirque du Soleil Beatles show. Uh.mazing.

But after the show I was getting moody. My eyes hurt from wearing contacts so much more than in regular life (I needed to wear sunglasses!), my feet hurt from my ridiculous Jessica Simpson high heels and I was hungry.

Anya hungry is never, ever a good thing.

Anyways, I basically was a party pooper, and couldn’t keep the night going. I was over it. So I went back to the hotel and went to sleep.

The next morning over breakfast I apologized for being so emotional the night before. My mom and sister laughed at me.

Like, not laugh at what I said, but laughed like, ‘Anya you have always been a totally emotional person. Last nights meltdown was no surprise. We know you. We get you.’

And that felt comforting.

Because people knowing you, being real with them is a good thing.

Sometimes being real is easy, I am with my kids all the time. Like when I scream ‘If I step on one more Lego in the kitchen I am throwing them all away!’

Or when a child walks into the kitchen and sees me crying as I unload the dishwasher, or when I turn the music up real loud in the car and do a drive by dance party to Katy Perry.

They know where I’m at.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Usually it is good, sometimes it is hard and makes life more difficult. Right now I am in the throes of parenting a particular child and being so caught up in the nitty-gritty details- having opinions and feelings and caring so dang much doesn’t give much space to let go of some of it. It is hard to say, ‘I don’t need to be emotionally wrapped up in this event, this situation- I can walk away’.

I can spend money easily and don’t wince when I do, it is those emotional investments that are so hard to loosen my grip on.

I am trying, trying to just go back to the hotel room and go to sleep.

 

 

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